Is Everyone Having More Sex Than You?

The digital age has transformed the bedroom into an efficient marketplace. Apps like Tinder, Grindr, Bumble, and Hinge serve as the new go-betweens in the age-old dance of human sexual relations.

Finding a partner, whether for a night or a lifetime, is as easy as swiping right.

We generally think of America as a sexually active country. After all, Sean “Diddy” Combs, the iconic rapper, is under federal indictment for sex trafficking. And, we all still want to know what kind of sexual shenanigans were going on at Jeffrey Epstein’s private island, right?

Blink twice if it seems that everyone having more sex than you.

Who is the Sexiest of Them All?

In real life (IRL), America isn’t that “sexy.” We are not even among the top ten most sexually active countries. That list is led by Greece, with a remarkable 87% of adults reporting weekly sexual activity. Brazil comes in second, boasting an average of 145 sexual encounters per year.

However, the ease of finding sexual partners through apps has coincided with rising rates of sexually transmitted diseases (STDs). In the U.S., there's been a significant increase in STDs like chlamydia, gonorrhea, and syphilis, with chlamydia rates hitting a record high.

The Rise of Technology

Three in ten adults report having used a dating site or app. The wide variety of them makes finding partners seem more efficient than ever. But, do these apps really work? If they do, why aren’t more people getting married?

Our politicians must know how to use these apps—someone in Washington is always getting caught with their pants down. Per the New York Post, RFK Jr. allegedly had over 40 “mistresses” saved in his iPhone, including his now-wife, Cheryl Hines.

The Overachievers

So, what do we really know about the sexual promiscuity of Americans? Well, in reality, the median American male has had five sexual partners in his lifetime, while the median American female has had three. By contrast, Australia leads the global averages with 13.3 partners per person, according to NapLab.

Despite the advent of dating apps and the widespread availability of birth control, U.S. numbers have remained largely unchanged since 1940.

People who exceed these median numbers tend to be divorced, are more likely to have cheated on their former spouse, and watch a lot of porn, according to a survey by the Institute for Family Studies (IFS).

The reality is that, while most people have only a few sexual partners in their lifetime, the more promiscuous folks tend to have more—lots more.

This chart depicts the number of sexual partners over a lifetime. According to the CDC, almost one-third of men report having over 15 sexual partners. But wait, there’s more.

Despite the perception of a rampant "hookup culture" fueled by dating apps, research shows that most encounters on these platforms don't end in casual sex. Many users, especially women, are looking for deeper connections, so the actual number of "hookups" might not be as high as commonly thought.

The One-Percent Club

According to the Institute for Family Studies, the top 5% percent of women have had 16 or more partners, while the top 5% of men have had 50 or more. Among men, 1% report over 150 sexual partners. That makes me tired just thinking about it.

Men are six times more likely to report between 11 and 20 partners per year and eight times more likely to report between 21 and 100 sex partners annually.

So, why haven’t the median numbers moved since 1940, even though sex seems more available than ever? Who’s having all this sex?

Meet “Chad” and “Stacy”

Let me introduce you to Chad and Stacy. Chad is a stereotype of a successful, popular man whom all the women want to be with. Chad can have sex whenever he wants, with whomever he wants; women throw themselves at him. I was never a Chad.

Stacy is an extremely attractive woman. She’s the type of woman that all men want to sleep with, and she could have her pick of guys. If Chad and Stacy went to my high school, they were probably homecoming king and queen—and neither of them knew my name.

Chad and Stacy represent the top 20% of sexually available men and women, and they’re the ones having most of the sex. But mostly, Chad and Stacy are just making “the beast with two backs” with each other.

The problem is that men far outnumber women on most dating apps. So, maybe for the first time ever, women are in the proverbial driver’s seat when it comes to dating and sex.

According to a recent study, men swiped right on 61% of women—clearly demonstrating that men just aren’t that picky about which tunnel their choo-choo enters.

In contrast, women swiped right on only 5% of men, meaning they’re primarily responding to the Chads.

Meet “Joe” and “Jane”

After swiping right on Chad or Stacy, only 20% of people swipe right on the remaining 80% of available candidates. As a result, the average Joe and Jane barely get noticed.

If you’re good at math, you’ve probably started to realize that these numbers don’t add up. The reality is that most people strike out on dating apps, especially average Joes and Janes.

Meet the “Incels”

The result? A growing group of sexless men known as “incels”—involuntarily celibates who are unhappy, even angry, about it. Yes, old Chad has a higher “body count” than Genghis Kahn. Meanwhile, Joe is stuck at home playing video games with other Joes.

According to a 2019 study, 28% of men under 30 reported no sex in the past year— a significant jump from 10% in 2008.

So, let’s recap what we’ve learned. First, technology makes it seem easier than ever to meet sexual partners. Second, the average man or woman has between 3-5 partners in a lifetime—a number that hasn’t changed in decades. Third, women are extremely picky about whom they swipe right on. Men, not so much. Fourth, Chad and Stacy are having a ball, while Joe and Jane are left out. Fifth, a growing number of men now identify as involuntary celibates, or “incels”.

Lastly, this growing number of incels is choosing not to have children, a trend partially driven by dating apps. Ironic, huh? I wrote about this in my piece, Should You Have Children Today? 

Do you have something to add to this conversation, or did I totally misunderstand what’s going on out there? I’d love to hear from you. I write purely for the joy of making new friends, so please reach out and tell me what’s on your mind.

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