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Should You Even Have Children Today?
...and what happens if you don’t?
For most of human existence, becoming a parent wasn’t much of a choice. With a lack of reliable birth control and few career options available for women, having children was expected. Sometimes, those first babies even arrived in less than nine months.
But things are different today. We have multiple varieties of birth control that are cheap and reliable. Whether you agree or not, we also have options to terminate unexpected pregnancies at home with the morning-after and Plan B pills, available at most drug stores.
But today, a growing number of Americans are intentionally choosing a child-free life. Recent articles in The New York Times and Time magazine supported this notion, filled with interviews with 30- and 40-something millennials who are “living their best life” without children.
Instead of birthday parties and Little League games, people are opting for bottomless mimosa brunches and maximizing hotel and frequent flyer mileage programs.
Most couples today suggest that the cost of raising a child is just too high. Indeed, the Brookings Institute projects that the total cost of raising kids to age 18 will reach $310,605 in 2025. Ouch.
Many argue that having a child in today’s world is fraught with peril other generations didn’t have to contemplate. Things like climate change, the rising possibility of WWIII, the cost of gas and groceries, and the difficulty of buying a first home.
Honestly, they’re not wrong. The world is a mess right now. Everything is more expensive and home prices in most American cities are astronomical. Recent data indicates that the median cost of a home for first-time buyers in my town is around $376,900.
According to CNBC, the average age for a first-time homebuyer just hit an all-time high of 38 years old. Back in the 1980s, the average first-time homebuyer was in their 20s.
Those aren’t the real reasons people aren’t having children, though. No, the real reason is because they don’t want to. I wonder, did these people see The Lion King? You know, the whole circle of life thing? Will they suffer a period of existential dread and regret later in life? Maybe.
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Our crude birth rate in the U.S. is crashing faster than P. Diddy’s endorsement opportunities. (Hint: he’s in jail.) Here’s a snapshot of the U.S. birth rate per 1,000 people. Not good.
The birth rate continues to reach new record lows every year. That’s surprising since people were quarantined at home during the pandemic and should’ve been more active in the slap & tickle department. But they weren’t.
We aren’t alone. Birth rates in Sweden are at the lowest level since recording started in 1749. Great Britain is at its lowest level since records began in 1938.
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The Total Fertility Rate (TFR) in the U.S. was 1.62 children per woman in 2023, a 2% decline from 2022. This marks a record low for the U.S., meaning that for every two people who exist today, we are only replacing them with 1.62 babies. If this trend continues, humans will eventually cease to exist.
Look, I understand firsthand the difficulties of parenting: the stress, the loss of sleep, those difficult and angsty pre-teen years—I get it. The simple truth is that having children isn’t for everyone. The critics are right; it’s expensive, stressful, and filled with opportunities to totally screw up another human being. Plus, maybe it’s a good idea that some people just don’t procreate.
He’s thinking about a never-ending mimosa brunch right now.
For most people, whether for good or bad, bringing a child into the world is a life-altering experience. It’s one of the few times when you instantly realize that life will never be the same. You can’t go back to being young and carefree. You have officially become your parents.
There are definitely good days and bad days when it comes to being a parent. It’s not easy. But if you ask most parents, they’ll tell you that being a parent is enjoyable 58% of the time and rewarding 44% of the time—provided you ask them on the right day.
For the vast majority who have children, few would turn back. Life becomes inexplicably richer and more joyful. As the kids like to say, “If you know, you know.”
I read a quote recently that summed up the experience for most parents:
“I hope that my kids understand that I was growing up too. That I was experiencing brand new things and just trying my best not to mess up too bad. That I didn’t have all the answers and was simply giving them my all each day. And, it wasn’t always pretty. It was often messy and confusing and exhausting. Yet, we did it. Together. And, for that—for them—I’m extremely grateful.”
That takes me to the end of a letter I wrote to my daughter on her 16th birthday, March 26, 2016. It, perhaps, best encapsulates the joy and benefits of bringing a child into this crazy, messed-up world. Maybe it’ll help you if you’re struggling to decide whether or not to have children. Here is the last paragraph:
“And know that you are something more, something greater, than your lowest times. Life is not always rainbows and butterflies, but there is goodness in the struggle. Cloudy days will come. On a cloudy day you will ask yourself, “What have I been, and done, and meant to the world?”
When that day comes, I want you to take comfort in one thing. You filled one man’s days with more joy than he was due. A joy unknown in all my prior years.
If you never accomplish another thing in your life, you will have done this. You will have exponentially and meaningfully increased the happiness in one man’s life. And that is enough.”
Do you have something to add to this conversation as a parent or as someone who chose not to have children? I’d love to hear from you. I write purely for the joy of making new friends, so please reach out and tell me what’s on your mind.
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