What’s Buried Deep in Your Soul?

There’s a version of you that everybody knows. It’s the version that gets up in the morning and faces the world.

But it’s only part of you, not the whole of you. There’s another part that nobody sees-and you don’t talk about. But, you should.

“It is important to tell at least from time to time the secret of who we truly and fully are… because otherwise we run the risk of losing track of who we truly and fully are.” -Frederick Buechner

Because some parts of you are buried deep in your soul. You rarely let them out of the shadows. Like my friend Chris who is an alcoholic. I was stunned when he told me that “to keep it all together” he goes to AA meetings at 7am, every day. Every day.

Life once unfolded in full view—clear, unfiltered. Lived out in the open-for better or worse. But, today life is like a dirty window. It only allows some light to pass through. Protecting most of what’s on the other side.

“What we hunger for perhaps more than anything else is to be known, and yet that is often just what we also fear more than anything else.”

-Frederick Buechner

Isn’t that the paradox of modern life? Social media has everyone living these picture-perfect, Instagram worthy, carefully curated lives. Celebrating only the goodness and perfectness of life. Which brings us to the question: What secrets are you hiding?

Just once I want to read on Facebook: “Susie was just added to the Dean’s List for the first semester. We are so proud of her. Little Billy got a D in Algebra and the vice principal found a bag of weed in his locker”.

The goal is to be “known”. At least, in part. But, the great irony is that what’s real, what’s true isn’t to be shared. It’s to be buried. Because that’s what people fear the most. The fear of being known in full. People crave connection but fear exposure.

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And over time we grow further and further away from who we are. Life lived impressively, at least from a distance. But, altogether empty up close.

These are the parts we bury. Like stones in our pockets they weigh us down—because we don’t know what to do with them once they surface. They don’t fit the narrative.

According to 2017 research by Michael Slepian at Columbia Business School, the average person keeps thirteen secrets, five of which they’ve never divulged to anyone. The finding comes from extensive research involving more than 50,000 participants from around the world.

So what are these secrets? They typically include extra-relational thoughts or interests to someone outside your relationship. Loneliness that creeps in at night. Regrets that absorb energy. Money issues, like gambling debts, hidden spending or borrowing money from friends. Past wrongdoing, like cheating on exams or stealing that Bazooka bubble gum from the grocery store when you were six.

But, the most common secret? The one that 60% of respondents admitted to? You guessed it: the single most common secret people keep is about sex. Not necessarily affairs (though that’s up there), but the whole spectrum—sexual thoughts, desires, fantasies, porn use, orientation, body count, or sexual dissatisfaction.

The research shows that it’s not the secret itself that harms us - it’s all the mental energy we waste thinking about it.

But the secrets we bury are alive and well. And, here’s the problem. The parts we bury never go away. They move into the cellar of your soul and lift weights. They grow stronger, heavier and more influential. And, they wait.

“Telling one’s secrets is an act of faith.” -Frederick Buechner

At some point we learn that honesty won’t kill us. That speaking the truth won’t leave us exiled or disqualified. Maybe it’s the faith that we’re not alone in the things we’ve hidden—that someone else is struggling too, and is just waiting for us to go first.

Like my friend William, who recently told me that his only daughter has been living in an inpatient psychiatric facility for the past year. Tormented by demons; simply unable to face life. She blames him. They rarely speak.

“Faith is not being sure where you’re going but going anyway,” -Frederick Buechner

Part of faith is learning that we often take risks-not knowing how things will turn out. It starts by walking headstrong into the storm and choosing not to turn back.

“The most human things we do are often the messiest. And the most sacred.”

-Frederick Buechner

Because, often times, the only way out is to keep on going. Because the things we bury aren’t the worst things. They’re oftentimes the best things. The things that make you human. The things that make you, you.

“The child we once were is not just a memory, He or she is alive and waiting, buried deep in ourselves.” -Frederick Buechner

Because the truth is, that buried version of us—the scared kid, the tired parent, the frustrated caregiver, the person who doesn’t always have it all together—isn’t the part we should be hiding. It’s the part that connects us. It’s what makes us human and relatable.

And maybe that’s the work of adulthood—to peel back the layers. To see what’s lying underneath. To realize the world isn’t full of perfection after all. It’s full of imperfection. That those who seem to have it all together are typically the most broken.

Because the goal isn’t to be perfect. It’s to be more transparent; to open the dirty window. To let the light in.

Maybe that’s why Buechner’s words still echo. Because they remind us that being transparent, telling the truth even when it’s messy, is an act of faith. Not just faith in God, but in each other.

Because what you’re afraid to say out loud might be the very thing that someone else needs to hear.

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Got secrets? I want to hear from you and you don’t have to bare your soul here. Just let me know if this article was worth the nine minutes of your life. Leave me a comment below. 99% of thoughtful messages will hear back from me. (1% margin for error cause, you know, I’m human.)