Most of us can answer what we want. More money. Less anxiety. Better health. A bigger house. Less traffic. Fewer emails. Better sleep. A job that doesn’t make you dread Monday morning on Sunday afternoon. Easy, right?
Knowing what you want to want is more important. Why? Because what you want on Monday often changes by Tuesday. See, on Monday you want to get in better shape and stop eating like a long-haul truck driver. But then it’s Taco Tuesday and, well, who wants to eat a taco without a top-shelf Margarita. Before you know it you’re three margs deep wondering how you’re going to get home. You want to want to workout, but what you really want is a taco and a Margarita (or three). Hey, no judgement here.
You want to want reading to be your new hobby. But instead you binge watch Netflix like a drunk raccoon in a Taco Bell dumpster.
A surprising amount of adulthood is realizing your aspirations and impulses are rarely aligned. There is an enormous gap between what we currently desire (tacos) and the kind of desires we wish we had (exercise/reading).
"Man can do what he wills but he cannot will what he wills."
This is partly why books like Atomic Habits resonate so deeply with people. Beneath all the talk about routines and systems, James Clear is really making a deeper argument about identity. Your habits are not merely things you do. They are votes for the kind of person you want yourself to be.
Because ultimately, human beings intend to do a lot of things. We intend to get in shape. We intend to lose weight. Then we eat 17 Oreo’s and a pint of Rocky Road at 2am and hate ourselves in the morning. We desire lots of things. It simply takes more than desire.
The person who wants to eat healthier tosses all the junk food from the kitchen.
The person who wants to start exercising puts workout clothes in the car.
The person who wants to stop smoking quits going to places where people smoke.
Sometimes doing these things doesn’t feel authentic. As if we’re trying to be someone we’re not. But the man who wants to walk will walk further than the man who is forced to walk. The secret is to align your actions with the things you want.
Nearly every person on the planet has a secret dream. Since high school I’ve dreamed of completing an Ironman triathlon. I still want to want it, including the Ironman tattoo if I finish. But, to be perfectly honest, I want to want it more than I actually want it. Why? Not a real strong swimmer. So I want to want it but not enough to actually take advanced swimming lessons and spend 1,000+ hours in training. Make sense?
See, the ability to evaluate our desires is what separates us from the animals. They simply eat whatever they can find. We, on the other hand, evaluate everything: are we hungry, is it healthy, do we like the taste, etc.?
Consider the husband who genuinely wants to want a devoted marriage. He wants the family dinners, the vacations and the annual Christmas card photo. And yet he continues cheating on his wife, with frequent trysts. Sometimes we simultaneously desire and reject the same thing.
Consider the addict who wants to get sober but continues to use. A craving can feel deeply real while actively sabotaging the very thing a person most hopes to preserve. Sometimes we simultaneously desire and reject the same thing.
The man who wants to walk will walk further than the man who is forced to walk.
That’s the challenge of being human. Because your life is largely the result of the desires you act upon. Not the things you want to want or simply imagining the person you’d like to become someday. Otherwise I would have a sweet Ironman tattoo (see below).
The things you feed eventually grow. The things you starve eventually grow weaker. And thankfully, aspiration can become action. People change all the time. But to become the person you hope to be requires more than intention, it requires action. And that action changes you.
The guy who couldn’t find the gym eventually loves his workouts. The addict eventually protects sobriety with his life-and guides hundreds of others to a better life. The husband who chased excitement eventually embraces stability.
We become what we move toward. Which is why the deeper question is “what do you want to want?” and what are you willing to do to get it?
So, what do you want to want? Leave me a message by clicking the link below. I promise that you’ll hear back from me cause, you know, I’m a real person and all.
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