We pushed this generation hard. Relentlessly hard. The script was clear: work hard, get good grades, stay out of trouble, go to a good college, and “all your wildest dreams will come true.”
Nearly half of all younger men between the ages of 18–23 say that the statement “I am inclined to think I am a failure” describes them at least somewhat well. Even among those in their later twenties, that number is still 38%.
Men are making up a shrinking share of college students, and even fewer are completing their degrees—only about 41% of graduates are male today. At the same time, young men show higher incidence of conditions like ADHD and autism. Young men do lead in a few categories: substance use, pornography use, gambling, and interactions with the legal system.
Part of the confusion lies in the shifting definitions of what it means to be an adult. Only 31% of young men say completing formal education is extremely important to becoming an adult. This is not surprising, given the evolution of Artificial Intelligence and the anticipated changes to the job market. Traditional white-collar career paths, it is suggested, are soon to be relegated to the dustbin of history, with more blue-collar jobs such as electrician, welder, and plumber taking their place.
Nearly half of all younger men between the ages of 18–23 say that the statement “I am inclined to think I am a failure”
Regardless, 53% say financial independence is extremely important, and 55% emphasize taking responsibility for yourself—hardly warning signs that young men don’t understand adulthood. Yet, even in their late twenties, 59% of men say they do not feel like adults. Perhaps that’s why over half of young men say “the time isn’t right” to start a relationship.
Ironically, according to surveys, most young men still want what young men have always wanted. 68% say they want to get married someday—about the same as young women.
But young men (57%) are more likely than women (45%) to say they want to be parents someday. This is not a generation that has opted out of adulthood. It’s a generation that has lost the roadmap for how to get there.
Only 31% of young men say completing formal education is extremely important to becoming an adult.
Young men are desperately in need of guidance and direction. But, 77% of all teachers are women, and roughly 70%–80% of therapists are female. It was the opposite in the 1960s. With fewer families attending worship services today, young men have no spiritual foundation. And that means few have Pastors or Rabbis to lean on for guidance.
A man can create a less intimidating space for dialog. Especially for discussions about porn, gaming, or gambling—issues that are more common among young men. When that option isn’t available, some young men simply opt out or refuse to participate. Perhaps that’s why young men are returning to church. They’re in search of meaning, community and a sense of purpose.
“Sometimes minor player can play a major role in your life.”
In the absence of a spiritual foundation, many young men choose distraction. They opt-out of life, while seemingly wanting the same things as prior generations. They seem to embrace the vision of adulthood, but they just don’t feel “man-enough” to step into it.
And the longer that gap persists, the more it turns inward. What begins as hesitation becomes self-doubt. What begins as delay starts to feel like failure. Perhaps video gaming, isolation, and delayed milestones are just the symptoms of a deeper issue. But, the deeper issue may be simpler than we think.
Seeking therapy and doing therapy are often two very different things.
Ask any 50-year-old man today what he feared most as a young adult. You’ll likely hear that he feared failure more than anything else. It’s universal for men. Perhaps for today’s young men, it’s not a crisis of desire or motivation—it’s a feeling that they’ve already failed.
For young men comparison and evaluation are constant. If you fail today you fail publicly. it’s the ultimate vulnerability—to look like a failure—to be embarrassed in front of your friends. The easiest way not to fail is not to try—especially given the permanence of social media today. Young men fear judgment and humiliation more than death.
Maybe the real failure isn’t theirs. Maybe it is ours. We handed them a script for a world that no longer exists, then watched them struggle to perform it anyway. We told them the path was linear, predictable, fair—and then dropped them into something fragmented, uncertain, and constantly shifting beneath their feet.
So, they hesitate. They delay. They look for safer ground before taking a step. That doesn’t look like ambition from the outside. It looks like disengagement. But underneath it, there’s something else entirely—calculation, self-protection, and a sense that they’ve already failed.
Men seem to want the structure of adulthood, but they just don’t feel adult enough to step into it.
If that’s true, then the solution isn’t to shame them back into motion. It’s to offer something we haven’t given them yet: a new definition of adulthood. One that values responsibility without pretending certainty still exists. One that replaces the illusion of a guaranteed outcome with the discipline of showing up anyway. Because adulthood was never about getting it right, it was about stepping forward despite the possibility of getting it wrong (again).
And maybe what young men need most right now isn’t more pressure, but permission to try, to fail, and to try again. Permission to find their footing without feeling like every misstep confirms their worst fear—that they were never enough to begin with.
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