The Mysterious Minds of Men

Researchers, scientists, and women have spent the last 500 or so years trying to determine what men are thinking about.

After all that research and exploration into the male mind, the most meaningful conclusion comes from an unlikely source: TikTok. TikTok is the Chinese-owned video hosting platform that promotes pranks, stunts, dancing, jokes, and entertainment. The platform is responsible for thousands of hours of lost productivity in the US. It rarely generates anything of substance, but it’s the fastest-growing social media platform. More on that in 60 seconds.

The simple truth about men is that our thoughts are not that complex. Most men aren’t thinking about another woman or nuclear fusion or how to cure Pancreatic cancer. In a recent study, researchers established that the average man thinks about sex 19 times a day. (One respondent claimed to think about sex 388 times a day.) Frankly though, most men think about food and sleep a lot more than sex.

Men also think about odd things like the type of animals we could beat in a fight. The typical man thinks he has a 40% chance of beating a leopard, 45% chance against an anaconda, 46% chance against a bull, and 70% chance against a chimpanzee in a fight. I’d pay good money to watch that chimpanzee beat the snot out of a few knuckleheads on Pay-per-View, but only if it was hosted by Coach Prime.

Okay, now back to TikTok. According to TikTok, if we aren’t thinking about sex, or sports, or fighting animals, we are thinking about…..wait for it…..the Roman Empire.

Yes, in the hottest of trends on TikTok, women are asking the men in their lives, “How often do you think about the Roman empire?” The trend soon took off, and the hashtag #romanempire has 1.3 billion views on the app.

The funniest part is that none of the men are surprised by the question. As if they’re being asked if they brush their teeth before bed. Why, of course I do.

If you’re totally confounded by this whole concept, here’s a sample video to help clear things up.

Since it’s just you and me talking, I’ll admit that I occasionally think about the Roman Empire. But, why?

Mainly because I like paved roads, running water, Roman numerals, Caesar salad, plumbing, 8-track tapes, and air conditioning. All of these things were created by the Romans. (Okay, they didn’t really invent the 8-track tape or the Caesar salad, but you get the point.) They did invent the postal service, so maybe they didn’t get everything quite right.

I’ve been to the Roman Coliseum more times than I’ve been to Madison Square Garden, Lambeau Field, The Super Bowl, or the World Series. That says something, I think.

For me though, it’s about the mystique of an entire civilization failing. So, what caused the epic fail of the HRE? Much of their demise can be attributed to the poor health of the Roman population, the dwindling birth rate, the failure of the central banking system, the incompetence of the emperors, the political corruption, and the resulting internal struggles for power. I see a striking resemblance to the United States today.

The answer to the Roman Empire question seems to fascinate and stun most women, but the Roman empire was a big part of world history. Most men dig history. The HRE existed for 844 years—only the Japanese Empire and the Byzantine Empire lasted longer. In comparison, the United States is a pimply teenager at 247 years old.

For the Romans to conquer 5 million square miles of territory, it took a lot of war. Since most boys today grew up playing military video games like Mortal Kombat and Call of Duty, they’re really into all things military. My generation played Army men and capture the flag before modern video games were invented, but you get the point.

Roman men, at least in movies and television, were studs. They had refined Italian accents. They got to wear cool armor and fight with knives and nets and ball flails. Every man needs a ball flail, right? This one is available on Amazon for $24.99.

They got to ride horses and get in sword fights and never bathe and still win the girl. You know, stuff that dreams are made of. (The reality is that the vast majority of Roman men were poor dirt farmers who spent their days tilling wheat, and about one in four were slaves. Few men ever sniffed the cinematically sexy Roman Coliseum. Most were lucky to make it to age 28 before dying of an ear infection, malnutrition, or an abscessed tooth.)

At first, most of the men in the videos seem to respond defensively to the question about their Roman thoughts, but, the eventual answer stuns women. Click here and here to watch.

The video consensus is that men think about the Roman Empire a shocking 3-4 times a month. According to this “research,” some men even claim to think about the Roman Empire every day. See another video here.

See, the Roman Empire stands in stark contrast to today’s world where men are encouraged to display temperance and moderation in all things. Knife fights in the street with your neighbor are frowned upon.

Part of the blame for all this Roman nostalgia can be attributed to Russell Crowe. Ask any guy what his favorite movies are. I guarantee you’ll hear the Ridley Scott 2000 film Gladiator in the mix. Usually this falls just before Shawshank Redemption, Braveheart, and The Big Lebowski. This is pretty amazing since Gladiator was released almost 25 years ago and the Roman Empire reached its peak almost 2,000 years ago.

See, all boys dream of adventure. It’s woven into our DNA, like being born left-handed. According to John Eldredge, “Adventure, with all its requisite danger and wildness, is a deeply spiritual longing written into the soul of man.”

All boys dream of being the hero, of avenging the death of a friend or family member, of winning the battle in a modern-day David v. Goliath. They dream of killing the adversary in a classic battle of good vs. evil. (Preferably with an epic soundtrack in the background.) That longing for adventure stands in stark contrast against a day full of Zoom calls, emails and group text messages. Yes, at our core, men still want to slay the dragon and rescue the damsel in distress. Perhaps, that is why some men think about the Roman Empire so often.

Alrighty, let’s summarize what we’ve learned here and see if I can bring this conversation to a big finish. First, an enormous number of people waste time on TikTok. Second, the wackiest trends start with a question. Third, most men are overgrown 12-year-olds, including me. Last, most men still wanna fight with swords and ball flails and vanquish evil from the world. As a result, many men spend way too much time thinking about the Roman Empire.

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