The Friendless American Male

A young man stood in the wings, preparing to enter the sanctuary to marry his wife. His father gently placed his hand on his shoulder and said, “Son, before we open that door, I want to share some advice.”

There’s a reason to believe the father was right. According to a 2021 survey, only 50% of men reported being satisfied with their friendships. Additionally, only 20% received emotional support from a friend in the last week, compared to 40% of women.

The father continued his advice….

Vivek Murthy knows this fact. As the 19th surgeon general of the United States, has repeatedly stated in recent years that the most prevalent health issue in the country is not cancer, heart disease, or obesity, but rather isolation. This isolation is most prominent among men.

While women are nearly twice as likely as men to be diagnosed with depression, men have a higher suicide rate. In fact, the suicide rate is highest in middle-aged white men. In 2021, men died by suicide 3.9 times more often than women.

The father added,

As men reach middle-age, there’s a sense of guilt associated with maintaining friendships. Friendships take time away from families and, to a lesser degree, work. In the post-modern era, men are in a competition to see who can be the Dadliest Dad on the block, even at their own peril.

That Dadliest Dad contest is leading to an epidemic of loneliness. Loneliness is not just middle-aged malaise. Millennials are the loneliest generation in history, with thirty percent reporting that they “always” or “often” feel lonely. Could there be a blooming epidemic of loneliness in our country?

A new study suggests that the health risk of loneliness in men is equivalent to smoking or being overweight. The study followed 2,500 middle-aged men (ages 42 to 61) for 20 years and confirmed that loneliness increases cancer risk by 10%.

Many of those who rely on friendships report a reduction in the number of close friends they have. In 1990, thirty-three percent of Americans reported having ten or more close friendships, excluding relatives. Today, only thirteen percent report having that number. So, ironically, the TV show Friends would never get the green light in today’s world. It’s just too unrealistic to think someone could have that many friendships.

For most men in their twenties and thirties, having twelve close friends seems like a fairy tale, and studies show that men tend to become lonelier as they grow older. If Jesus had lived longer, he might have ended up with only 4 or 5 Disciples.

Medical professionals believe that meaningful “bro-mances” promote overall wellness. They encourage us to trade harmful habits for healthier ones, whether it’s adopting a better diet, engaging in more exercise, or permitting ourselves to take a well-deserved break. Our friends’ influence can help lower the risk of many health problems, including high blood pressure, obesity, and depression.

So, how is it possible that the most connected generation in history feels isolated and lonely, especially when Facebook, Instagram, and Snapchat have become mainstream?

Modern dads, who take parenting more seriously than men did two generations ago, are spending approximately three times as much time with their children. This hesitation to be real leads many of these men to internalize their emotions, as if they don’t need any help, ever. They simply believe they can handle everything themselves.

Do you know what they call someone who is incapable of forming or maintaining friendships, has a grandiose sense of self, and shows little emotion? They call them sociopaths.

American author John Eldredge vividly highlights the value of cultivating meaningful friendships in his legendary book Wild at Heart. He writes, “The issue was, and is, that men simply are not bonding much these days… and we are either purposefully choosing or unwittingly failing to make bonding….. a priority.” Why?

The dad continued….

Women, on the other hand, often prioritize friendships. Whether it’s through book clubs, bunko nights, Bible studies, or simply chatting on the telephone, women seem to be less lonely than men.

Despite our best efforts at creating the perfect life on our own, happiness is really about close and meaningful connections with other people.

It’s about lasting and intentional friendships. It’s about the intertwining of our lives in a deep and significant way. We must have people of substance to “do life” with, and we cannot “do life” with people on Facebook and Instagram.

Just look at these Google search results. It graphically presents the number of people searching the internet between 2014-2023 for “How to Make Friends as an Adult”. Do you see a trend?

As Vanilla Ice once said, “It’s about enjoying your life. If you have no family, no friends to enjoy it with, it don’t matter how much you have, how much success you have, how much fame you have, how much money you have. Ultimately, those things simply don’t matter.”

So, what about you? How many friends do you really have? Don’t count people at work; they are “friends of convenience,” which is a different category entirely.

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