Nick Marshall Suicide at 18; An Act of Kindness

Our family has a motto. It’s pretty simple. It can be summed up in three words: “Nothing Beats Nice.” 

It all started years ago as a simple reminder of the need for acts of kindness in a broken world. Little did we know it would come to impact the lives of others in such a dramatic way.

Nick Marshall – All-American Kid and the Tragic Story of Teen Suicide

Nick Marshall was a standout student at his high school in Atlanta, Georgia. He played baseball, football and basketball as a kid. In 2016, Nick helped lead the Lovett Lions to the high-school State Championship in baseball.  You could say that Nick Marshall is the “all-American kid” ─ except that would be a disservice to Nick Marshall. 

To me, an “all-American kid” stays out of trouble, drives a beat-up, red Chevy Silverado, wears a threadbare ball-cap, likes baseball and good hot dogs. 

Think Footloose, the musical. 

Nick is, by all accounts, a great kid. If I had a son, I would want him to be like Nick Marshall. Smart, diligent, loyal, dedicated, athletic, etc.

The full monty. 

Nick enrolled at The University of Virginia in the fall of 2017. He was quickly recognized as a stand-out student. Outside the classroom, Nick enjoyed rowing on the University of Virginia Men\’s Crew team. His promising speed made the coaches take notice of him as a first-year student. 

Nick worked hard, including an excruciating fitness regimen and frigid, early morning practices on the foggy Rivanna Reservoir in Charlottesville, VA. He never missed a practice and he was having a ball. Or so it seemed to his friends and family. In Nick’s private world, his anxiety and depression were spiraling out of control.

Perhaps it was the teamwork. Perhaps it was escapism, but Nick loved the water. Out in the early morning fog, hidden from the world, perched atop a 60-foot, carbon fiber shell. 

“Ready to Row,” calls the Coxswain. The cadence. The rhythm. Cutting through the reservoir’s glasslike surface. Like a hot knife through butter.

Rowing requires balance, flexibility and coordination ─ plus an extreme mental focus to keep in sync with the cadence of the stroke. When the Cox’n has the crew in sync, the shell floats just above the water as if it’s suspended in the air. The stroke appears effortless. 

It’s art-like; a thing of pure beauty.  

One man facing the bow, steering through the peaceful waters ahead. Eight others facing the stern powering the boat ahead. Leaving a churning wake behind, as if a tempest is quietly brewing just below the surface. Unaware of the clear and calm waters just off the bow. For Nick Marshall it was art imitating life.

In February 2018, the tempest brewing in Nick Marshall reached peak velocity. With no apparent warning, Nick Marshall climbed the Culbreth Road Parking Garage at UVA. He inserted his Apple earbuds, dialed up some haunting music, and ended his life. 

And, tragically, that’s where the story really begins.

These days everybody has a pithy saying for everything.

• Nothing Beats Smart

• Nothing Beats Rich

• Nothing Beats Failure

• Nothing Beats a Jelly-Filled Donut

Years ago, I got on the bandwagon. I decided that all of those things are nice attributes, but I’ve known some very smart and/or rich people who were complete jerks. And, at the end of the day, nobody really cares how rich or smart you are if you’re a jerk.

I landed on Nothing Beats Nice and it became our family motto. My daughter wrote about it in her college essays. 

Notion Beats Nice

Nothing Beats Nice means treating all people as equals, regardless of race or sexual orientation. It means speaking to total strangers. It means thanking waitresses for the simplest level of service, like refilling half-empty water glasses. It means practicing random acts of kindness. It means handwriting thoughtful notes to people as a measure of gratitude. 

Simple stuff.

Nick Marshall graduated from my daughter’s high school in Atlanta. Upon his death, she put the family motto into action and wrote his parents a note of gratitude for his life. Apparently, her former classmate, Nick, was also a fan of the act of kindness doctrine. 

While he was older and clearly in the popular jock crowd, he frequently smiled and said hello to her. That\’s it. A simple act of kindness in an often unkind world. 

What transpired in the weeks that followed was a life-changing experience. The parents were moved by the letter. They reached out. Our families are now inextricably linked in a mutual celebration of Nick’s legacy of kindness. 

So what kind of message strikes at the heart of parents deeply grieving the tragic loss of their son?  It’s simple: kindness. The letter accurately portrays the spirit of this amazing and kind young man.  

Dear Mr. and Mrs. Marshall:

I don’t think any of us can truly contemplate the difficulty of such an enormous loss. 

Nick was incredibly busy. He over-scheduled his days. He completed long workouts followed by runs of over one hour. Then delivering firewood for extra money. At night he would read and study for class. In hindsight it appears that Nick kept a grueling schedule in an effort to outrun the demons haunting him.

On the outside Nick was an incredibly successful kid who seemed to have it all together. That’s the dangerous part of this disease. Even those friends closest to Nick couldn’t see what he was hiding. On the inside he was quietly troubled by forces greater than himself.   

Nick called his parents on the Saturday preceding the Monday he died. He was concerned that the brakes on his bicycle were worn out. He worried that they could be dangerous. At the time of the call on Saturday Nick had already finished typing the goodbye letter to his parents on his laptop.

That’s the hard part for his parents. Did they miss something? Was he quietly begging for help but nobody was listening? No. Nick was writing and carefully directing the script. He had made up his mind. He was simply playing along with the narrative that “he was having a ball.”

I know what you’re thinking. Nick’s parents were asleep at the switch. Self-absorbed, disconnected from their son and his obvious struggles. Maybe the Mom is on Opioids or the Dad has a gambling problem. Gotta be a reason.  They must’ve ignored his cries for help. 

You are wrong. 

The reason that Nick was such a great kid is that Nick had world-class parents. These are not the kind of parents that ignore their kid. They spent countless years in the bleachers cheering their son to victory in all sorts of foul weather. 

These are involved, engaged parents who have a loving, supportive home. With his parent’s support and guidance, Nick sought medical treatment. And, at times, found respite from the demons. But it didn’t seem to last. He drove himself hard to achieve his goal of attending the University of Virginia.

Teen Suicide is Too Common

Unfortunately, Nick’s story is not unique. A few weeks ago, I played golf with Mark, a 30-year-old graduate of another local high school. As we were chatting between holes, he casually commented, “I’m so damn tired of going to funerals.” 

He informed me that since his graduation, six of his classmates have died from either suicide, drug overdose or a needless accident related to way too much alcohol. It kinda takes your breath away. 

Despite what you hear, we have the greatest healthcare system in the world. And we have a society that is free to discuss just about anything. In one evening, you can catch pharmaceutical ads during Wheel of Fortune and Jeopardy that claim to cure all sorts of penis problems. We have ads for Pepto-Bismol that openly discuss the most delicate of conditions. And now we even have ads for various, sundry female conditions that I don’t even understand.

Nothing is sacred. 

Nothing is sacred except mental health. It is still very sacred.

Ryan Hilinski’s Story

A few weeks ago, my alma mater, The University of Georgia, had a pink out. It was a classic Georgia move. You see, the opposing coach’s wife had recently died after a long battle with breast cancer. 

In a nod to the coach and his family, our entire stadium wore pink in their honor. These are the kinds of things we do for breast cancer and it is fantastic.

A few weeks later, UGA (#3) played our SEC rival, the unranked South Carolina gamecocks. The quarterback of the gamecocks is Ryan Hilinski. His brother was Tyler Hilinski, who played quarterback at Washington State University.

In yet another tragic case, 21 year old Tyler Hilsinki took his own life following his junior year; about 20 months ago. 

Here’s a picture of brother Ryan at the UGA game. In honor of Tyler, Ryan now wears his brother’s number 3 jersey. That hand signal isn’t the OK sign. It’s Ryan holding up three fingers to heaven, following the historic victory over our top-five team.

There was no pink or white or green out for Ryan. There was no mention of this terrible illness and the resulting tragedy on television. There were frequent references to the “pink out”.

For the most part, the story was ignored.

So what’s the difference here? 

Ryan has committed to playing every game for his brother this season. His parents have formed a foundation, Hilinski’s Hope, toraise money and awareness for mental illness. There’s an undeniable epidemic of depression and anxiety in college kids. 

Yet, there remains no easy way to talk about or recognize mental illness as a legitimate health condition. It’s fine to talk about Erectile Dysfunction and Bladder Leakage on television. Not fine to talk about or recognize mental health ─ or that kids are taking their own lives in record numbers.

The suicide rate among people ages 10 to 24 years old climbed 56% between 2007 and 2017, according to the report from the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention.

Meanwhile, young kids like Tyler Hilinski and Nick Marshall suffer in the shadows. And they tragically end their own lives to stop the pain inside.

Final Thoughts on Teen Suicide Prevention

Nick Marshall’s life imitated his sport. 

Quietly and methodically working at peak efficiency. Hidden from the world in a cloud of fog. Cutting through the water at top speed. No visibility to the smooth, glasslike waters ahead. 

With thousands of adoring fans cheering him onward from the shore, he could only focus on the angry, dark and churning water behind. And, the enveloping fog ─ driving him to work harder and cross the finish line first. 

Something has to change here to recognize the symptoms, treat and prevent teen suicide.

Unfortunately, it’s gonna take a lot more than acts of kindness.

“Thank you for sharing him with the Lovett community. I am lucky to have had the opportunity to go to school with such a kind person.”

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