Is Civility Really Dead?

In 2008, just prior to his death, Irish poet and philosopher John O’Donohue wrote that "There is a kindness that dwells deep down in things; it presides everywhere, often in the places we least expect.”

Yet we are told—constantly—that the world is cruel, people are selfish, and civility is a relic of bygone era. And some days, that feels pretty accurate. Maybe I’m old school, but as O’Donohue suggests, despite evidence to the contrary, I think the world is still full of good and decent people.

I believe that there are a certain set of rules and norms that are timeless. As C.S. Lewis argued, there is a set of moral principles that all humans seem to know. A civility that is rooted deep in our souls. We know these things without being taught. Like a cat knows it’s supposed to hate a dog.

For Lewis, civility and kindness aren’t surface-level behaviors. They aren’t just etiquette. They’re part of what makes us human. We follow them not because society rewards us, but because something deep in us instinctively knows that we should.

That includes basic ideas about right and wrong, decency, and fairness. They’re so basic that when you see them in the wild they don’t even register in your mind.

Like when someone lets you merge into traffic when they don’t have to. Or when a total stranger holds the door open for you when your hands are full. Or when someone returns their grocery cart where it belongs. Or says “excuse me” instead of just forcing their way to the front of the line.

These moments don’t make headlines. But they quietly challenge the idea that decency is dead. We instinctively hold an elevator door for a stranger in a hurry. We ask what floor they are going to. Then step aside to allow them to exit. These gestures don’t require any effort. They don’t cost anything. We do them with no expectation. They’re reflexive, involuntary responses to ordinary life.

At a four-way stop there’s nothing keeping you from blasting through the intersection even though you were the last to arrive. But instead, you patiently wait your turn. Unfortunately, there are no rules that require you to be discreet when talking on a cell phone in public. But most decent people do it anyway. Nobody wants to participate in your phone call anyway. You aren’t that important or interesting.

The cynic would say this is just social conditioning. That we behave decently because friction is uncomfortable. Maybe. But I’ve always felt that courtesy is an outward reflection of an inner peace. Polite behavior and, more specifically, gratitude flows naturally from a calm, untroubled soul. When you’re genuinely at peace, courtesy isn’t a struggle—it’s simply how you move through the world.

But our peace is often tested. Because these moments rarely occur in ideal conditions. They show up when you’re in a tremendous hurry. Those times when you are already impatient, frustrated, and/or exhausted. That’s the true test of civility. Does civility survive when you aren’t at your best? When you’re under pressure? Do you choose to make the situation worse—or better?

People today are often in search of clicks or likes—and their behavior is often performative. Algorithms reward outrage. Nobody posts videos of people spreading good energy in the world. At times, being kind and courteous can feel like a salmon swimming against the current.

Civility shows itself in the smallest moments, precisely when no one is watching and nothing is being recorded. We need more people who still pause, still notice, still choose not to make the day harder than it already is. Today has enough trouble of its own.

Kindness doesn’t need defending. It needs practicing. And when we do—almost without realizing it—we reveal the “kindness that dwells deep down in things”. The one that has always been there, waiting to be noticed. Quietly reminding us how to live alongside one another.

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