How to Die with a Big Fat Smile on Your Face

Harvard professor and Social Scientist, Arthur Brooks has figured out exactly how to ensure you will die with a smile on your face. It’s all outlined in his New York Times bestselling book, From Strength to Strength – How to find success and fulfillment in the second half of life.

Brooks, the former head of the American Enterprise Institute, is a true scholar in the arena of happiness and fulfillment. But, Brooks suggests that the foundation of your happiness later in life must be built in the first half of life.

His extensive research for this book began on an ordinary flight across country. While in flight, Brooks overheard an older man behind him say to his wife, “I’d just be better off dead.” Immediately, Brooks began to surmise that this gentleman had missed out on his calling. Or, perhaps had missed out on a life of significance. Perhaps he regretted some of his life’s decisions.

For the remainder of the flight Brooks ran through various scenarios that might result in such a drastic statement. Was the man terminally ill? Was he bankrupt? Once the flight reached the gate, Brooks finally had a chance to look back at the man behind him. It turns out the man was an American icon. He had truly led a life of significance and was extremely wealthy. He often appeared on television and in the news as an expert in his field. Yet the older man had simply given up on life. Why?

The Glass is Half Full

Research shows that when people turn age 65, one-half get happier. The other half get sadder. What is the key difference between these two groups? Before we answer that question, I think we can agree that we are all trying hard to be successful. Regardless of what your definition of success might be. But, the reality of life is that the more successful you are, the sadder you are likely to be later in life. Most people assume it’s the “retirement blues”, but it’s way bigger than that. The resulting sadness is derived from the loss of identity, satisfaction and purpose that success brings.

Brooks refers to this as “the striver’s curse”. The higher people climb, the more attached they become to success. And, of course, the harder they fall when success ultimately begins to fade.

The Key to Happiness

If half of the country gets happier at age 65, I want the recipe for that secret sauce. What is it that brings people true happiness later in life? According to the Italian philosopher and theologian Thomas Aquinas (1225-1274), we think “true happiness is derived from money, power, pleasure and fame”. That statement was made over 800 years ago. Yet, I think we’d both agree that money, power, pleasure and fame and pretty good ingredients for that secret sauce. Aquinas countered that statement by writing that “happiness is only known by the direct knowledge of God enjoyed by the blessed in heaven”. But, since we (hopefully) aren’t going to heaven any time soon, let’s take a look at the alternatives.

The Happiest People

Brooks suggests that if you boil the ocean of all the research on happiness and fulfillment, you can reduce it down to the following. The happiest people are committed to faith, family, friendship and work that serves others. Even more telling is that people who are happiest in their 80’s are the people who are happiest with their relationships in their 50’s. To the contrary, those that are saddest in their 80’s are those who underinvested in their relationships earlier in life.

So, what do success and friendships have in common? It turns out that most successful people struggle with friendships.  Who knew?

The Golden Idols

According to Brooks, the “golden idols of success, material possessions and social status represent the biggest impediments to finding true joy in the second half of life”. I think what Brooks is getting at is that these “golden idols of success” are a result of marketing. See, the world does not have your true happiness at-heart. The world has it’s own designs on your life.

If I watch enough network television I will be bombarded with advertisements for products intended to enhance my happiness. Those can be boiled down to the following categories: bigger pickup trucks, younger women and more stuff. Those things typically take money; a lot of money to acquire. So I work harder in order to acquire the trucks and stuff that will, ostensibly, make me happier. But, as you might imagine, true happiness is not derived from harder work, nor is it derived from bigger trucks, younger women and more stuff.

Suffering

So, what does create true, lasting happiness? In a nutshell, it’s relationships. See, much of life is built on suffering. As time passes, marriages fail, people get fired, we get sick and some people we love die. The incredible joys and sorrows of life are simply unavoidable. Life can be truly painful and challenging to survive, at times. Especially if we are alone.

Deal Verses Real

It’s during these challenging and difficult times that we learn the difference between “deal friends and real friends”. According to Brooks, deal friends are a byproduct of thinking that work friends are real friends. And, the biggest mistake we often make is to exchange real friends for deal friends. According to Brooks, “if you do not develop good friendship skills by age 25, I can guarantee you will not be happy at 75”. To be successful as people you need other people. 

In the words of Brene’ Brown, “social media has given us this idea that we should all have a posse of friends when in reality, if we have one or two really good friends, we are lucky”. But, the best way to develop really good friends is by being vulnerable. And, since vulnerability is often seen as a sign of weakness, it makes it challenging to develop deep friendships at work. And, tossing in a little more Arthur Brooks, “the happiest people are those who can relax in their weakness and stop hiding everything”.   

Mike & Carol Brady

In a recent survey, 36% of young men are now more likely to rely on their parents for personal support than other people in their life. That habit can lead to missed opportunities to connect and deepen friendships. Perhaps that’s the reason why the number of Americans reporting “no friends at all” has grown 400% since 1990. We clearly aren’t investing the time and energy needed to maintain our friendships. If Brooks is right, all of this is shaping up to create a generation of very unhappy older Americans in a few years.

Money, Power, Pleasure & Fame

So, what is it about successful people that makes them so miserable in their later years? The simple truth is that many successful people believe their happiness is derived from the Aquinian “money, power, pleasure and fame”. As these people age, their sadness is derived from a loss of enjoyment, satisfaction and purpose; a loss of significance. Meaning that their value is diminished once the spotlight fades.

When the spotlight goes out completely, they find themselves like the gentleman on the airplane. Feeling like they would be better off dead than alive. On the other hand, those that led a more substantive life based on faith, family, friendship and work- that serves others are happier and more relatable. They simply go to their grave happier.

So what about you? Are you going to be in the happier group at age 65? Are you going to be smiling at the Grim Reaper when he rings your doorbell and asks if you ate the Salmon mousse for dinner?(Monty Python) If not, what are you willing to do to ensure you die with a big fat smile on your face?

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