The Gray Divorce Epidemic

Divorce after age 50 is on the rise. Between 1990 and 2010, the so-called “gray” divorce rate doubled in the United States and continues to climb.

According to the 2021 US Census, 34.9% of all Americans who got divorced were over age 55.

So what’s causing this dramatic shift? It must be sex, right? Maybe.

In 1998, the Food & Drug Administration (FDA) approved the use of the drug Viagra to treat Erectile Dysfunction. That’s about the time gray divorce started to rise. Coincidence?

If we’re looking for a controlled environment to study this phenomenon, look no further than The Villages, a retirement community in central Florida. The enormous community was the fastest growing metropolitan area in the country two years ago. It spans an area larger than Manhattan. And, more importantly, the female to male ratio is ten to one.

For years, the Press has enjoyed reporting the rumor that The Villages is the Sexually Transmitted Disease capital of the world. (Ask anyone you know about The Villages and you’re likely to hear about wild sex parties and rampant sexual promiscuity.) Only it isn’t exactly true. Some of the grays are chasing each other around the slip & slide like teenagers. But, The Villages is not the Sexually Transmitted Disease capitol of the world. In fact, it’s not even the Sexually Transmitted Disease capitol of Florida.

But, back in 2009, the STD rate among those over age 65 at The Villages was the fastest growing in the country. And, that’s pretty compelling given that the average age in the region is over 70 years old. It appears the grays are enjoying the slap & tickle, sponsored by Viagra.

They aren’t alone. According to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention sexually transmitted diseases have more than doubled in the past ten years among U.S. adults age 65 years and older. Yes, the grays are getting friskier. And since there is no longer fear of pregnancy in this age group, condom use may seem less important.

While sex is a factor in gray divorce, there are other drivers. People are living longer. And, for many women in their fifties, the empty nest presents an opportunity.

During the working years, couples are busy building careers, raising children, taking care of parents and managing finances. Often couples don’t even notice they are growing apart. Fast forward a few years and couples can suddenly realize they no longer know each other. It’s a classic story. But, there’s a twist: enter Covid-19. Couples were forced to shelter in place, together. That little experiment may have proven too much for some couples. The forced interaction led many couples to recognize their distance. While some choose to reinvest in the marriage, others chose to reinvent their marriage: often with another person. The overall divorce rate skyrocketed during Covid. I wrote about that in 2020, here.

Some therapists suggest that couples no longer “grow apart”. It’s more overt. One partner may simply see their life in “chapters”. There was the newlywed chapter, career building chapter, followed by the breeding and parenting chapter. As the nest grows empty a new chapter begins. Some partners see an opportunity to reinvent themselves.

According to the Social Security Administration, people are living longer. About one out of every four 65-year-olds today will live past age 90. One out of 10 will live past age 95. An unhappy marriage can last another 20 or 30 years-and that can seem like a lifetime of unhappiness.

According to AARP, 66% of all divorces over age 55 are initiated by women. Yes, the June & Ward Cleaver era is over. Women are more educated and more empowered than ever. And, women tend to live longer than men. A woman in her mid fifties is likely to live another 35-40 years. Once they are free from the grind of raising children, they are free to be a little, well, selfish. Especially if the couple had been staying together “for the children”.

For men over age 50, it’s different. Older men tend to hold on longer, ostensibly not wanting to give up half of their assets. So, men tend to work longer hours, travel more and find new hobbies that limit the amount of time they have to spend with their spouse. Of course, one of those hobbies can include infidelity.

Many older individuals are often in their second marriage. And, data shows that remarriages have a much higher divorce rate. People who have been divorced are often not as afraid of splitting up as those in first marriages.

While it might seem that people aren’t as committed to marriage today, perhaps it’s something different. Perhaps the bar is higher today. Perhaps we’ve moved away from the Ward & June Cleaver era where the value of a marriage was commensurate with a man’s ability to provide or a woman’s ability to be a homemaker. Perhaps we are playing a new game. A game where partners are held to a higher standard. A standard that includes happiness and personal fulfillment. A team-based approach to life.

Perhaps the answer lies in the most unexpected place. Divorce is becoming less common in the millennial generation. The millennials are getting married later. Perhaps that maturity level is making a difference.

When younger couples do choose to divorce there is often a crisis. Think: sex, money or drugs & alcohol. But, the often maligned Millennial generation seems to have something figured out. At least until they get a scrip for Viagra.

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