7 Obstacles to Authenticity

I don’t mean to brag, but I’m kind of a big deal on Twitter: 15,700 followers. And, yet, at the same time I literally despise the platform.

These Social platforms are the gateway drug. They shorten our attention spans, distract us from real friends & family and create a gigantic echo chamber.

They also force us to create these perfectly curated digital personas, masking our true identity. The personas are not even close to being honest or authentic.

Being authentic is the equivalent of flossing our teeth. We know it’s good for us. We just don’t do it as often as we should.

So if authenticity is so great, why aren’t we better at it? I’m glad you asked.

Being brutally honest and sharing frightening and unflattering things about our lives is difficult. Particularly when everyone seems to be living these perfect Instagram lives. Perhaps it’s one of the reasons that so many people are so darn unhappy.

So why do we stink at being honest about the Fecal Festival brewing in our own backyard? I’ve come up with a few reasons.  Let’s see if you agree with me.   

1. Desire for Self Sufficiency 

If you’ve been reading me for a while, you know that I think everything goes back to the cavemen. In that era, life boiled down to a few things: water, fire, a loin cloth and a cave for the wives. And maybe some grilled wooly mammoth with a béchamel sauce. Kill or be killed. It was a battle of self-sufficiency. If you stayed warm and had food, you lived.

It seems we are still driven by our genetic desire to stay safe (and alive). Even today, appearing self sufficient is an inherently male trait. Ask me if I need help with something. My immediate answer is “no, I’m good.” It’s almost reflexive. The inner caveman. We want to appear powerful, strong and secure, not vulnerable, needy and weak.

2. The Stigma

Society has built quite a stigma around “who we need to be.” We grow up seeing images of testosterone laced heroes. Alpha males like Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson. Tan, good-looking, ripped, etc.

Nobody wants to be “Pajama Boy”, the 2013 ad that epitomized the ultimate Beta male. He was proud to live at home, wear pajamas and sip hot cocoa. He was proud to “never use a power tool.” #marketingfail

And unfortunately those are the two options. We see no middle ground. We assign self sustainability to The Rock. We assign authenticity to Pajama Boy. Nobody wants to be Pajama Boy. Nobody.

3. The Known Unknown

One of the reasons we have so much trouble with authenticity is that we’ve lost touch with our own identity. That is, what we really believe about ourselves when no one is looking or listening. 

Maybe we’ve spent so much time in our Social persona that we’ve started to believe our own BS. We’ve spent hours curating that persona. The perfect pictures, the family members, life events & charity fundraisers.

In comparison, the curation of our real identity reads more like a 140 character Twitter profile.  

You know I’m right. How much time have you spent curating your own understanding of who you are? And, more importantly, why you are?  We think we know, but do we really? 

“I’m a husband, father, son, college graduate, Taurus with two wiener dogs…..”

It gets pretty thin after that, doesn’t it? Probably ought to mention the hay fever-and that one arm is longer than the other. Might not need all 140 characters after all.

We need to spend some quality time getting more clarity on who we are and why we are. Cause if you happen to find yourself in a Fecal Festival, it’s not a great time to find yourself.

You’ll see more on this topic in a few weeks-and maybe we’ll figure this out together.

4. Our Pride

We all wanna be great in other people’s eyes. But pride diminishes our ability to share our imperfections. And it inhibits our ability to be open and honest. We think that somehow letting our guard down makes us look like Pajama Boy.

But wise people know that life is a relational journey. We can do it alone, but it’s a whole lot harder. And wise people know that humbling yourself can be the fastest way out of the Shinola Show. 

I’m not suggesting that you hang a sandwich board around your neck. We don’t need to advertise our faults to the Gen Pop. But to be truly authentic we have to own them. And we have to face them head on – in order to come out the other side winning the compassion of others.

Someone who goes to great lengths to hide things that cause them shame is NOT authentic.

The whole pride thing is about as useful as a hair on a biscuit. 

5. Lack of Role Models

Look, the only person capable of teaching boys how to be authentic is fathers. That’s a problem. Cause typically Fathers are men. And men stink at all “the feels”. 

So we come by the stinkiness honestly. There just aren’t that many authentic role models for boys and men to emulate. 

Maybe our Fathers should have shared this Oprah quote:

6. Confusion

There has been so much confusion and mixed messaging around masculinity lately. Toxic Masculinity has become a virtue signaling device for some. 

• Men should be strong but not too strong. 

• Men should be in control but not controlling. 

• Men should be masculine, but not too masculine. 

All that is true until your roof is on fire. You’ll want the firefighters to be more like The Rock, not like Pajama Boy. You’ll want a guy straight out of Hollywood casting department. He’ll drag you out of the burning building with one arm, stopping to light his Marlboro on your flaming couch. Makes me long for the days of John Gage (Randolph Mantooth) and the boys of Rampart. 

Gillette razors Recently added to the confusion with this commercial. Yes, it’s the same company who objectified  women to sell razors to men for 50 years. Gillette is now taking the moral high ground. They are now preaching to male customers about how to treat women. These people basically started an argument with an empty house. Can you guys just try to sell razors instead of trying to be the moral conscience of the grooming world?

Dumb as unbuttered grits. 

It’s no wonder we’re all confused…and signing up for Dollar Shave Club. 

7. Desire for Perfection

Everyone has a couple of dirty little secrets that they don’t advertise on Facebook. Like my secret attraction to Taylor Swift. 

We’ve become pretty darn self-absorbed; our own successes and failures. We desire to be seen as perfect. As if little Timmy not getting into the “right” University will be the end of the line for him. Life on the lube rack with Bubba. Name embroidered on his shirt.

The problem is that our perspective is out of whack. Sometimes it takes a parent getting diagnosed with Cancer to put things in proper perspective. As Dr. Phil would say, “if Little Timmy getting rejected by ‘the right college’ is the worst day of your life, you need to get real, sister.”

So that’s it in a nutshell. Our ability to be truly authentic is limited by our own desire for self-sufficiency, the public stigma, the known-unknowns, our pride, limited role models, confusion and our insatiable desire to be perfect.

……Before you go, could you do me a solid and re-post this story on Facebook? I’m trying to grow my audience and I really need your help.

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