Are We Raising a Generation of Worrywarts?

All parents are the same. We all fear for our children’s safety. But, is it possible that we overdo it? Is it possible that by going overboard in protecting our kids that we actually do more harm than good?

I recently wrote about growing up in the Deep South here. We did stupid stuff like this:

Nobody wore sunscreen. There were no chilled bottles of water. No pre-packaged, nutritious, non-GMO snacks for the journey. Journeys that often took us many miles from our homes. Nobody died from heat stroke or sunburn or dehydration. Maladies that today are as common as quicksand seemed to be in the 1970’s and 1980’s.

Today is different. We live in a seemingly more dangerous world. There is more crime, more murder and more petty theft in our neighborhoods. And, the world is a very dangerous place right now. The anniversary of September 11th reminds us that there is still evil in the world. But, for the most part, we’ve kept that evil at bay for 21 years. Turns out it really was just a bunch of nuts who wanted to kill Americans. It wasn’t the beginning of coordinated, deadly attacks on every major city in America.

Anxiety about our children’s safety can often turn the most rational human into an overprotective parent. According to a recent study, parents spend an astounding 37 hours each week worrying about their children.

It’s no surprise that 74% of parents feel that parenting was much harder than it was for their parents. Just think of the relative ease of raising children without the internet; without smartphones, Instagram or Tik-Tok.

The parenting challenges only increase when kids return to school and college. Seven in 10 admit their day-to-day level of worrying increases when their kids return to the classroom.

So, what’s the leading cause of parental anxiety? Not surprisingly, 48% of ‘rents worry about their kid’s general safety. Some of that anxiety is driven by the widely covered, but statistically rare, school shootings that have become more common in recent years. I wrote about school shootings here. But, there are a plethora of other dangerous things out there to fixate on.

The second most common concern is that our children are happy (44%). These days parents go out of their way to ensure little Johnny is “happy”, which can often be a Sisyphean task. Kids are moody sometimes. And, what often seems catastrophic today is typically forgotten in a few days. Children often have very short memories and are amazingly resilient.

Other worries include bullying (43%), getting good grades (39%), fitting in (27%), nutrition (30%), making friends (27%) and, yes, coming home with lice (27%).

Yes, there’s an enormous amount of stress, anxiety and fear to raising children today. Most of that fear is without merit, at least in higher income families.

A recent survey by Pew Research illuminates the differences in parental worries by family income. Parents at lower incomes aren’t concerned about fitting in, nutrition, making friends, or whether their kid is happy. 59% of parents earning under $30,000 worry most about their children getting kidnapped. And, 47% worry, that their child will get shot. Other worries include getting beat up or attacked, getting pregnant or getting into drugs or alcohol. Things that are truly life threatening or life altering.

Across all income strata, about 50% of parents worry that their children will be bullied or will struggle with anxiety or depression at some point. Those are valid concerns for most parents.

It’s appropriate to be fearful if you’re genuinely worried about Junior getting kidnapped or shot or attacked at school. But, let’s be honest, wasting time over-worrying about your child’s general happiness or nutrition is a fools errand. You can easily reallocate that 72 hours to something more productive.

See, living in constant fear of the future can be easily transferred to children. According to Arthur Brooks, writing in The Atlantic, “we might harm [children] by making them less happy, less healthy, and more bigoted toward others. To break this pattern, parents—and anyone who interacts with children—should instead work to cultivate a sense of safety.”

There’s a fine line between safety and fear. It’s important to teach children to be safe without teaching them to fear the world. If we teach our children to fear the world – and everyone in it, we create a generation of anxiety-ridden adults. Adults with no peace or contentment with life. Adults who live in one of the safest country in the world, but are always anticipating the next calamity to befall them. Adults who look at others with fear & trepidation.

September 11th is an annual reminder that other people want to do us harm. But, what if you’d spent the last 20 years living in constant fear of another 9/11 style attack? You could have avoided all airline travel and avoided tall office buildings. Just think of what you would’ve missed. Kinda would’ve been a waste of energy, huh?

Most faith traditions teach us to love one another without any fear. To have faith over fear. To approach the world with equanimity and a sense of wonder, not fear. If you want to raise children into adults with confidence and optimism, this is the safer bet.

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