The War on Civility

It’s hard to being open and honest with anyone today, especially on tough topics like politics or religion. There’s a real fear of an open and honest conversation turning into an argument. Why? Because we are living in an era of incivility.

The simple task of even producing an article like this one….is just too risky. If I have any readers after this piece it will be a miracle.

Wisdom

One of the benefits of traveling through the various stages of life is wisdom.

Wisdom is simply a worldview that is continually influenced by experience and knowledge.

To permanently fix your mind on a particular position is immature. It suggests that you’ve reached enlightenment. And, have finished gaining knowledge and experiences, forever.

Since it’s just you and me talking, I’ll go ahead and admit it. I was once uncertain about gay marriage. It seemed to threaten the institution of marriage and seemed to be out of line with my faith tradition. But, a man named Dr. David Watson changed my mind. About five years ago he said, “I don’t ever want to see a couple sitting behind me in church and have them feel un-welcome in God’s house.” In a split second I realized I was wrong. So I changed my mind. It wasn’t hard.

As good human beings we should constantly evaluate our positions. This is why it’s important to stay open minded to people who disagree with you. Because there is always more to learn and absorb. Like your Mom’s recipe for macaroni & cheese. It gets better over the years as she continually tweaks and adjusts the ingredients based on trial & error.

The ability to change your mind shows an openness to seeing the world differently. And it opens up a whole new world of possibilities. But, changing your mind takes courage. It’s an outward sign that you remain open to learning.

But in today’s world, changing your mind is frowned upon. It’s hypocritical.

See, a recent study by Harvard Business School confirms what we already know. Negative news is much more likely to spread. Especially on Twitter where everyone is already screaming anyway. Twitter is the land of extreme overconfidence. Everyone is an expert. And, everyone believes their own bullshit.

The more overconfident we are in our opinions, the more likely we are to express (scream) those opinions. And, the more likely we are to launch a little spittle with our opinions.

Some people have simply forgotten how to listen. Whether it’s gun control, abortion or ketchup on eggs, they have an expert opinion. It’s as if they’ve simply stopped listening and learning, because they already know everything.

Maybe it’s the echo chamber of screaming voices and spittle on social media. It has created a false sense of community and protection that makes some feel more confident in their views.

Polarization increases closed mindedness and closed mindedness increase polarization. Take climate change, for example. It’s not a hill I’m prepared to die on. But, there are many who will. After all, there is valor and virtue in identification with a group that is trying to save the planet. Esprit de corps and all that.  But I also reserve the right to listen and learn more about that issue and to potentially change my mind as evidence continues to grow. After all, the left half of the country is on fire and Texas is 125 degrees.

Research shows that the more times we repeat an opinion, the more deeply entrenched we become. Like my unwavering opinion that Keith Richards had John Lennon and George Harrison rubbed out. C’mon, you know it’s possible.  

Apparently the more times we are “pitched” on a position the less likely we are to adopt that position. Instead of rethinking our position, we simply dig in deeper. 

There’s a big difference between being confident and being overconfident. See, being confident is sexy and infectious. It’s the swagger of a pimp in a white fur coat. But, overconfidence is off-putting-as we say in the south. It’s simply closing your mind off from human curiosity. It’s a refusal to be open to ideas and opinions outside your tribe. It’s the fastest way to get avoided at cocktail parties, even if you are wearing a white fur.

In 1861, Walt Whitman penned the famous line: Be curious. Not judgmental. But I think in 2021 some have turned that famous line around: Be judgmental. Not curious.

And, that judgment creates sophomoric contempt for those of differing opinions. See, contempt leaves no room for curiosity. Everything is black & white. Everything is self righteous.

Perhaps there’s a sense of comfort and identity in our identity tribe; a sense of belonging to something bigger than ourselves. Like the way that a church or synagogue allows those of like mind to be in community with one another.

To be curious is scary, for some. Scary, because for some people this is the first time they’ve felt a sense of real community or belonging. Being open to dissenting opinions could lead to exclusion. Next thing you know, you’re eating your Lunchable alone in the middle school cafeteria again.  

My Pastor recently gave a sermon where he admitted he had been feeling anxious about his own mortality. And, that his anxiety had created feelings of doubt in his own faith. It takes an incredible amount of courage to tell your best customers the truth. That we are all human and that no human has all the answers-all the time.

But, unless your last name is Google, you do not have all the answers. And the largest problems of our generation rarely fit neatly into black or white. They are almost always gray.

In his bestselling book, Think Again, Adam M. Grant writes, “If knowledge is power, knowing what we don\’t know is wisdom. The less intelligent we are in a particular domain, the more we seem to overestimate our actual intelligence in that domain.” Said another way, those with the strongest convictions typically have the least ability to find their ass cheeks with two hands.  

The people we used to call journalists are also contributing to the world’s intransigence. Pretty much every news outlet today has a bias. CNN is left; FoxNews is right. And, we tend to watch the network that most closely aligns with our bias. According to Grant, “We listen to views that make us feel good, instead of ideas that make us think hard.”

It’s time to get out of your day-jammies celebrate and start to celebrate how little we know about things. And, once we get back into real clothes, let’s develop the courage to identify new ways of seeing old problems.

If you liked this article, would you mind just emailing it to a few folks? And, don’t forget to leave a comment below. I’ll do my best to respond.

And that, my friends, is where the story ends.

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